Working, working, working!

I am working really really hard for getting some money... well, though the work is actually pretty interesting, i am still REALLY tired!

I am now looking for a scholarship for studying in Sweden. Actually, i do not think i would be able to earn these money out.. since i am just a student and even can not do a full time job...

Working in Sina

In order to get some money, i decided to work in Sina for the next several months. (www.sina.com.cn)

I like this job, though i don't get much paid from it: )Actually first my purpose is to earn some money, but now it turned to be a leisure to work there, since they has REALLY fast internet connection!!and , it is a better place for me to study after 11 at night! (our dorm do not has light after 11pm, it is the stupid regulation of our university)

My life in Peking is going back to normal... but rather busy. I only sleep for about 6 hours everyday and always do not have time for dinner!! well, good for losing weight.

Here are all the tasks i have to complete this semester:

1. preparation for the internship in the U.S (visa, money, ticket, reading the book which is banned in China:D)

2. essays and exams .. (i have skipped about 1 month lessons... kinda difficult for me to catch up..)

3. applying for the Stockholm University..(Actually i have deciede to go to Sweden, i do not know if it is the CORRECT choice, but , i feel like it.. well, i am still very young, still have some youth could be wasted...)

4. work! (Sina is my first job after returning.. if the money is not enough , maybe i ll get one more... )

5. IELTS.. (My IELTS test is in May 28th, but i have to prepare it from now.. otherwise i won't get enough grade!)

Rather busy life.. give me little time for dating someone or even meeting friends..sometime this kind of busy can hide some of my ture feelings , but sometimes i am still quite sad.. since almost all my real friends are suffering from their current life.. bless for them.. i have no choice too but maybe i can just go away forever from all the desperations here.. but for them, they have to pay them own life for the ruined love and responsibility. i can do nothing for them, just bless..

Back to China

I am in Beijing now..

I found I love Beijing and hate Beijing at the same time.

I tried to contact two of my best friends but they all somehow disappeared... I do not know why..

I will go to Sweden again that is for sure.. Actually I have began to apply for the Stockholm University, we will see what happens later....

I miss Sweden and I miss someone at the same time.

好好活着

总要有面对现实的那一天吧

我不会再哭了吧。没有意义的。

可是，又有什么是有意义的呢

我终究还是不能好好活着，不能好好爱一个人。

为什么呢

离开

下个星期二我就要回中国了。

在瑞典的两个月。

我在SIPRI工作了一个月。我在欧洲旅行。我在瑞典北边的山上滑雪。我和他呆在他的屋子里。

然而在这个国家，我只是个过客。在我真正意识到这一点的时候，好像却已经太晚了。在最后的这几天里，我忽然发现，我们在长大的过程中无论如何都是要受伤害的。无论如何。我总是说，"如果我们真的想做什么事情,我们总是可以做到的",而更多的时候,我却觉得自己是那样的无能为力。是吧，这个世界很大，我们，又能做什么呢？好好活着吗？或者，活着？

亲爱的，和你一样，我说过很多次我爱你，但是我心里知道，大概没有多少次是真的吧。是吧。我爱他吗？其实我是不知道的。我大概已经失去了好好爱一个人的能力了吧。我会真的爱一个人吗？可能永远不会了吧。

我爱过周末吗？我爱过普京吗？我爱过张潇吗？我爱过叶朝霞吗？我爱过现在正在我身边玩游戏的这个孩子吗？我爱过那个30岁的瑞典男人吗？

我们在真正的内心里，都只能自己一个人生活吧。如果有一天我可以永远离开这个匆匆忙忙的世界，我会去做吗？

说实话，我有些厌烦了。真的。

活着，就像金钱一样，究竟有什么意义呢？我应该是逃不开这个问题的质疑吧。我应该永远都逃不开这个问题的质疑吧。

这个世界上的是是非非，又有多少有多少意义呢？

如果有一次机会，我会选择永远的离开。永远。

Being an adult

Suddenly i found being a kid would be hurt wherever i am .. since i am Chinese

Maybe the only thing that i can do is .. just accept it

Well, i will never regret whatever i have done.. since i will always at least being responsiable for myself, but i will learn things from my mistakes and grow up, and that maybe the best way to do that.

Time flies

#I had been written this for at least an hour... and then i lost it when i was trying to publish it... crap#

I have staied in Sweden for about 2 months, time flies..

I went to Stockholm University to ask if i would be able to study there the day before yesterday and i got a rather positive reply. They only have English courses on Political Science, which is just my favourite. To enter the university, i only need a 550 score TOFEL test,and about 30000kr to PROVE you would be able to live there(you do not need to spend them), no tuition fee.

Seems like it is pretty easy for me to study in Sweden, now i am in a dilemma..

Staying in Sweden means i have to give up my bachlor in Peking university, which is the best university in China. Not that easy.. To be honest, i do not enjoy the life in Beida, though most of the students there had been struggled for all their lives to enter this university, though it is considered to be a holy place in China. Everyone's dream(not really mine). I have tired of frighting with someone openly or secretly, taking the stupid useless English literture courses, orgnizing foreigner attracting activities, being the silly chair of associations...I feel sick when i have to fight with people for living. Being a kid in China, i will never be able to survive.

First i have to admit, maybe Sweden is not as good as i am feeling now.. After all, i have only been staied here for 2 months, not really a long time.I once talked to some Chinese living in Europe, Daniel's Chinese teacher; a girl who married a Finnish guy living in Sweden from my work; a couple staying in Germany who helped me a lot when i was homeless in the chill Berlin..They all eagerly want to go back to China, no exception. Well, i can fully understand, since after all i love Peking, but i do not feeling in the same way.Maybe i am feeling good since me and Daniel, my boyfriend, are having a good time together, and i have some (not much, but some)friends here in Sweden, or maybe Sweden for me, is too diffierent from where i was born and grown up. I do not know how i would feel if i do not have Daniel or them, but i am almost sure that i can always have friends or boyfriends if i REALLY want..Actually the most important thing for me is, staying in Sweden, i would be able to be a kid, keep being naive, have the freedom of my soul, and could survive this brutal world at the same time..

The thing is ,if i study in Sweden, i would be able to farewell to the damn English literture and embrace my political science, and using English at the same time. Actually my english could be better being here than in Beida, and I think i would work hard wherever i am.. so i am almost sure i can learn more in Sweden, the cost is, i will have to lose the fame of being the toppest student in China..

For me, life always give no choice, i mean, not the real sense of having no choice, that is, you always have to do what you are supposed to do, otherwise you would hurt people who love you, being criticized all the time, and facing a really heavy public pressure. i always choose to compromise, something in the middle, this time, i do not know..

so,

Staying in Peking university being the top student and bearing the torture
Or
Staying in Sweden, learning what i like , having a better life, and, being normal..

Which one should i chose? i do not know.. maybe you will say that is depond on what you want, the problem is, i do not really know what i want..i dare not making a decision now since i feel i am still losing my sense, i am just trying to do what my heart is telling me to do.. well, time will tell us

btw, if i have too much feeling about "elite", please forgive me: ) since i am Chinese; )

Going back to spånga

After about 1 week staying in Kläppen, we went back to spånga!

I am skiing in Sälen with Daniel!

Finally we got the chance to be together again!! : )with the forest and the mountains: )